When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So vagazzling was a success
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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