pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
