I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
