did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
