She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
