god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
