I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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