when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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