Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
