Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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