Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
