saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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