this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
