I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
