??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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