Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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