a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
