Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
