One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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