I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
