if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
