It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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