she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
