you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
