I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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