Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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