My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
