She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
