Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
