Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She bit a glass in half.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
