You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
