I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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