I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
