I accidentally had phone sex last night
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
