normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize