Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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