you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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