K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
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I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.