then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.