Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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