hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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