yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
