I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
