Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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