I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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