six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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