i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
