so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
