...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
