I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
