I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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