My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
