well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He shit in the fireplace
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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