I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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