I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
