i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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