You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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