u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
